[***]
Ah, home sweet hell.
MAN: Hey, Bundy! Home for supper?
Never say die, huh?
[LAUGHS]
MAN 2: Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight.
What are you havin'?
If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
Don't worry about me, Donnelly.
I'll have supper.
I better have supper.
Peg, where's my supper?
[RINGING]
Oh!
Oh, God. The idiot'll be home soon.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
Hi, idiot.
Peg, in the privacy of our own home,
could you call me Mr. Idiot?
Peg, you're not gonna bother me tonight,
because you know why?
I know you cooked me supper, didn't ya?
Dessert?
Oh, honey, what do you want from me?
You're at work 10 hours a day.
Can't you find something to eat in all that time?
God! This is a home, not a restaurant.
I know, Peg.
If it was a restaurant, we'd have a clean bathroom.
Can't you be like other husbands?
Just come home, go upstairs
and sit there quietly till morning.
Excuse me a second, Peg.
What's this? Beef stew? Made from scratch?
Whoa ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. What a wife!
Peg, I'm starving to death.
I can't live like this.
Now, I'm telling you, Peg,
I want you to put something in that oven,
either food or my head.
Either way, the neighbors'll smell something cookin'.
Now, Peg, I'm making a stand here. I'm not kidding.
I want a meal. I want it now. Get it?
Huh?
What'd you say, Al? I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
Jeez, I don't know. Just something about me being a man.
It wasn't important.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Kids, I'm glad you're home because I'm taking a poll.
Where are we gonna put a pole?
Well, we can, uh, put it in your head
so we have a place to hang the sign that says "duh. "
Oh, thanks.
You wouldn't let me get a nose earring,
but you're gonna put a pole in my head?
Peg, are you sure you didn't have a one-night stand
with Abbott and Costello?
No. I'm a one-stooge woman, honey.
All right, we're going to have a vote.
I thought we were gonna have a po...
All in favor of having your mother cook...
Three. Opposed?
None.
Well, that's it, Peg. You're cookin'.
I don't care if it's breakfast, lunch or dinner,
but I want it hot. And I'll tell you something else.
I want it on a plate.
Boy. If I'd known it was gonna be like this...
Well, Peg, the neighbors are laughing at me.
And everyone at school, too, Dad.
Well, that's it.
From now on, this family is gonna be
like every other family in America.
Sometime this month we're gonna eat!
Yes, food! All right!
Okay, I'll make one meal.
But it's not gonna be good.
That's all we ask.
Oh, Mom, one more thing.
Oh.
You're spinning me right into PMS.
It's the school nurse, Mom.
She said it's time to get our annual dental checkups.
Oh.
Okay. We'll make an appointment.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Come in!
What are you doing?
Ah, giving the kids their dental checkups.
Excellent, Bud, as usual.
Beautiful, Kelly. Good girl.
Okay, kids, go on upstairs
and we'll forge your dental forms in the morning.
Ah. Well, that wasn't so bad.
Yeah. Thank God we didn't need tetanus shots.
Oh. I hate that little pin.
Ugh! Ugh!
Uh, excuse me, but doesn't anybody know
this is against the law?
So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.
I am not a chicken.
Why does he keep calling me a chicken?
Now, Marcie.
Don't get your feathers ruffled.
Look, guys, I don't mean to be rude,
but we've got some x- rays to sketch.
This is a disgrace.
Don't you understand? You are robbing your children
of one of life's great experiences.
I love to go to the dentist.
A man in white hovering over me
while I'm trapped helpless in a chair.
He cleans me.
He flosses me.
His instrument's alive in my mouth.
And just when I think I can't take anymore,
he says, "Good girl, Marcie.
You can spit now. "
Al, I wanna go to the dentist.
Well, you should.
Everyone should see their dentist
at least twice a month.
I mean, year.
And you know what?
I haven't had a cavity since I was 10 years old.
So, what? I haven't had a cavity my whole life.
And I've neverbeen to the dentist.
And still you have that delightful breath.
How do you know you've never had a cavity?
History.
Tradition, my boy.
Bundy men were always known for one thing.
Hairy knuckles?
The sex drive of a carbuncle?
Well, actually, we were known for two things.
One: always having the knack of finding just the right woman...
And teeth. Big strong choppers.
Marcie, have a look in here. Go ahead.
Uh-huh.
Oh, my God. It smells like a hamper.
Go on. Just check the teeth, will ya?
Well, the green one looks pretty good.
And some might be bothered by that black one.
But the one that's actually bleeding
could be a problem starting.
Al, you should go to the dentist.
No dentist.
If my teeth don't hurt,
nothing's wrong with them. And my teeth don't hurt.
AL: Now my teeth hurt!
[AL SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
Ahem.
Mr. Bundy.
Uh... Uh...
Uh, I'm Bill.
Hello, Bill. I'm Al Bundy,
I'm Kelly's father.
This is some weather we're having here, isn't it, Bill?
You know, it's funny, but it's almost 1:00 in the morning,
and you were kissing my daughter.
Oh, darn, Bill.
It's so late, I thought that'd be open.
There you go.
We've got a real problem here, Kelly.
I know, Daddy. We were just doing our homework.
I'm a good girl.
Who cares?
It's just that my teeth are killing me.
They felt fine until that darn Marcie voodooed me.
Now I'm in so much pain, I can't even sleep.
Honey, would you look in there and see if my teeth are okay?
Oh, well... Wait a minute.
Let me move this one aside.
[GROANS]
Well, they all look okay to me...
except for that one that's fizzing.
Daddy, why don't you just go to the dentist?
No dentist.
What I need is an ice-cold beer.
That's cold.
Mm-hm.
Nothing like a cold beer on a hot night.
That's good.
Are you afraid of the dentist, Daddy?
Kelly, I'm a grown man.
So, yes, of course, I'm deathly afraid of the dentist.
Fear is nothing to be ashamed of, Daddy.
Let me tell you a little story.
I was afraid once.
It was two years ago, so I was, um... 8.
Anyway, I missed the bus back from school,
so I had to walk home.
It was getting pretty dark.
Oops.
I almost drank beer!
Anyway, I cut through this alley.
And I heard this noise.
I turned, and there they were.
Who?
All my friends from school.
So we all went to Janie's house and had this dance party.
Oh, God, it was great.
Janie's mom got this broom, and we limboed.
Then we had cake. And we painted each other's toenails.
Then we went to sleep...
Honey, Daddy doesn't have long to live.
Get to the part of the fear.
Well, let's see.
Was I afraid of my dress?
What the heck was I wearing?
Honey, that's all right.
Sweetheart, it was a great story.
[CHUCKLES]
Now, Daddy's just dizzy enough to go to sleep now, honey.
Have a great night, sweetheart.
You, too, Daddy.
Oh, Daddy, I just remembered. What?
I was wearing my pink dress with the little sparkles on the collar,
and I was afraid it would clash with the toenails I just painted.
But it didn't.
Thanks again, sweetheart.
What are daughters for?
I don't know.
[GROANING]
I'm going to sleep.
Is Dad gone yet?
Yep. Great.
Then we'll see you in the morning.
Ohhh.
Curse your father for making me feed him.
This is so confusing.
I mean, what do men eat?
Well, going by Bud, insects.
Mom, Kelly had a boy here last night.
Oh, yeah? Well, Bud had a girl here last night.
Yeah, like I'm gonna believe that.
Don't tell stories, Kelly.
Hey, wait a minute. I could've had a girl here.
Sure you could, honey.
So, how are Daddy's teeth this morning?
Oh, I don't know.
He was up screaming all night.
Finally, I put a pillow over his face
so I could get some rest.
Gee, he's really gotta go to the dentist.
Ah, what a day.
Smell that morning air.
[INHALES]
Al, will you please go to the dentist?
Don't have to now, Peg.
A miracle happened last night.
I went to bed. Woke up today. I feel fine.
Oh, yeah?
Eat this ice. Oh, no, Peg.
Put it in a bag.
I'll eat it on the way to work.
Eat it now, Al.
All righty.
[AL SCREAMING]
My teeth!
Oh, God, take my life!
The pain!
I can't stand the pain!
See, there's no problem.
Al, you have a 2:30 appointment with Marcie's dentist.
Now, here's the address.
And in case you need a loved one to pick you up,
here's a bus schedule.
Dr. Plierson.
What I need is a Dr. Kill-A-Wife.
Dad.
Dad, I had a girl here last night.
Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killin' me.
You're next, Mr. Bundy.
AL: I'm a little nervous.
It's okay.
Come on.
Just sit right down.
Can I have the ducky now?
There's a little boy out there who really needs it.
Tough.
Come on, now.
You've got nothing to worry about.
You won't feel a thing.
What's this for?
Oh, it's just to soak up the blood.
Nurse, this dentist... He's, like, a real good one, right?
Don't worry, Mr. Bundy.
Doctor's just wonderful.
Just look at these.
Oh, wow.
Nice...
Nice, white, firm. Yeah.
Those babies should last you a lifetime.
I brush them every day.
I would, too, if they were mine.
All right, next.
Ah, the man with the ducky.
Thank you, nurse.
I'll take it from here.
[SQUEALS]
[PLIERSON LAUGHS]
Oh. All right. Come on, Bundy.
Let's see what we got here.
Open up.
No.
Come on, Bundy. I'm a pro.
I've seen it all. I've done it all.
Come on, open up.
Aah!
Ugh!
Mother of all creatures, big and small!
Whoa.
Is it bad?
No, no, not really.
T.C.!
Yes?
I want you to bring one of the big bibs in here.
And, uh, a drop cloth for the floor.
Hey, doctor, I was just thinking.
You know, I don't eat, and I got no reason to smile.
Why don't we just let 'em drop out naturally, and I'll mail 'em to you.
You drill 'em, fill 'em and mail 'em back to me.
Now, look. Come on, Bundy.
Now, I might be optimistic, but I just happen to think
we can save a couple of those babies.
What do you say, huh?
I'll, uh, Novocaine you up.
Then I'll have a couple of drinks,
and neither one of us will feel a thing, huh?
There we are.
All right, now, make sure you get a shot of the head
so they know it's a human mouth.
Hey, doctor.
Now, you said this is gonna be nothin', right?
Look, I've done a thousand of these things.
Just never in the same mouth.
Numb yet?
Yeah. You?
Well, close enough.
* Oh, honey *
It's doctor in the office, sweet cheeks.
I'm sorry.
Anyhow, doctor, I'm gonna go home
and slip into something a little more comfortable.
Do you want me to pick up some videos?
Uh, yeah. Um...
Get, um...
Get something mild.
I'm gonna be up to my elbows in blood in a minute.
[MOUTHING] Okay.
I have this feeling I'm forgetting something.
Did I turn off the iron?
Did I take my pill?
WOMAN: Yow!
Where is that damn dentist?
That's what I forgot!
Mrs. Higgenbottom is spitting up teeth
like a popcorn machine in there.
Okay, well, give her a Sports Illustrated,
and tell her I'll be right there.
Okay.
Yeah. Sure. Let her rot.
Women. They're the lowest forms of life.
You married, Bundy?
Look in these eyes.
Me, I'm recently divorced.
She got me for 1.5 mil.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm not bitter, though. Nope. She deserved it.
She gave up a very promising career as a waitress
to become my wife of about six whole months.
That's almost a half a year, you know.
[SOBBING] 1.5 mil.
Take it easy, doc. Take it easy.
I found out, in life, you can't live in the past.
Or the present or the future, but...
You can spend some quality time
at a newsstand, reading dirty magazines.
Yeah. They can't take that copy of Hiney away from you, can they?
Bundy, you're an okay Joe.
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm not gonna dig too deep.
I'll do what I can.
You won't feel a thing.
Ah, jeez, thanks, doc.
Doctor, it's your ex-wife's attorney on line one.
Great.
By the way,
I bought this with your credit card, doctor, honey.
Is it okay?
Yes, it's much better than the one you bought yesterday.
And more expensive.
You gold-diggin', little...
What do you want?
I got a dying man in the chair!
[MOUTHING]
No, absolutely not.
No.
Oh, she... She already got it.
Yeah, she's got them too.
My baseball card collection?
Oh, no. No. No, no, no.
I'll give her the 150 bucks it's worth.
She wants the cards?
Why?
Because she knows I like them?
All right.
All right, I'll tell you what.
You... you tell her to take those cards,
and I hope she chokes on 'em!
Ohhh! I love those cards!
I spent my whole life collecting those cards.
Hey, doc, I think the Novocaine's
starting to wear off a little bit.
Shut up, Bundy!
Just shut up!
God, I'm so mad, I'm shakin'.
Maybe you better wait, then, until you calm down.
[DRILL WHISTLING] Aah! Aaah!
Mm-mm! What a memory this will be.
If Bud didn't still have pimples,
I'd think this was a dream.
Yeah, well,
just don't bring your rumbling little stomachs
around come Thanksgiving, 'cause after today,
Mommy has hung up her oven.
Al, here's your stinkin' meal!
I hope you're happy!
[MUFFLED] Oh, Peg.
What'd you cook for?
You know I can't eat.
Oh, "ook at aw the ood. "
Stop babbling, Al.
I can't understand a word you say.
Well, can you understand this?
I want another meal when I can eat the food.
Pass the mashed potatoes.
Give me corn.
This is unacceptable.
I'm the man of the house.
Wait a minute, kids.
Your Daddy's right.
This is very unfair to your father.
And we cannot enjoy my meal with him like this.
[***]